file under 'will never be published' (no. 4)

file under 'will never be published' (no. 4): 

Stinky Stu: A Cautionary Tail 

Background: This is the sort of thought that pops into my head when I'm sitting around and not otherwise occupied: "Have there been any books written about stinkbugs? There have been naked mole rats and all sorts of other animals. Why not stinkbugs?" Yes, for real.  

My next thought always: "I should do that!" I generally try to write down all of my thoughts. Sometimes, they get abandoned mid-attempt; this one was followed through to its natural conclusion. It ended up as a sing-songy rhyme and "cautionary tail" of fifteen stanzas --I'll spare you its entirety. It will never, ever be published, but its lesson is worthwhile: approach others with kindness and without judgment and you will make friends (also, never stand downwind of a stinkbug).

It will never be published for the following reasons: 1) it's poetry; 2) it's didactic (fancy word for preachy); and 3) it's about what comes out of a stinkbug's backside.

Stinky Stu: A Cautionary Tail

Here comes old Stinky Stu --

There's a few things you can do

If you think you want to be old Stinky's friend

(But please don't make an error,

Or you're sure to feel the terror
Of what’s sent from Stinky's bitter end).

If you avoid him with a shrug

'Cause he’s just a stinky bug --

Old Stinky has a message he can send.

He’s not one to be ignored --

If you try, then you’ll be floored

With what comes from Stinky’s bitter end.

If old Stinky gets to thinking

That you're frightened of his stinking –

If that is what this bug does comprehend.

If old Stinky thinks you're scared,

Well, you'd better be prepared –

Beware what comes from Stinky's bitter end.

You may find you're in a hurry –

If you are, you'd better worry

If you don't have the time to spend.

If you make this bug make haste,

Then you're going to get a taste

Of what comes from Stinky's bitter end.

Now it must go without saying:

Stay away from names dismaying

And using any words that will offend.

If he thinks you're being mean –

Well, I don't want to see the scene

That plays out near Stinky's bitter end.

.  .  .

If you look him in the face –

You know that’s the safest place.

There’s no need to run or to defend.

If you look him in the eyes,

He won’t cut you down to size

With what's sharp there in Stinky's bitter end.

If you have a sense of calm,

If you keep an open palm,

If you have a hand that you'll extend,

Give old Stinky's hand a shake

Because that's never a mistake,

You'll be spared what's in Stinky's bitter end.

It is time now to reflect –

Did you treat Stinky with respect?

If you did, you will be old Stinky's friend.

So be sure to do to Stu

What you want done to you,

And you two will be happy in The End.