things & stuff: no, i don't have tourette's, m***er f***er (caution: language)

Prepare yourself. I’m about to go apeshit.

Some of my favorite words to use indiscriminately include the following: fuck and any derivation thereof; asshole; shitty shit; holy balls; and, my personal favorite, holy fucking shitty asshole shit balls. I have more, but I don’t want to offend your delicate sensibilities.

If you were to look at this collection of words, if you were to notice the way they explode from my lips, you might become concerned. This concern might then grow into suspicion --surely no one would want to talk like that. At this point, you might begin to suspect a clinical cause of some kind. You might take to the Internet with your suspicion and would type the symptom into the search engine of your choice. For our purposes today, we will type in ‘excessive potty mouth’. The search engine would inform you that the clinical term for excessive potty mouth is ‘coprolalia’, from the Greek for ‘crappy word choice’. It would also helpfully direct you to no fewer than 2,351 medical websites. These websites would then suggest that I am suffering from Tourette Syndrome. While I appreciate the concern, I’m here to tell you, it’s all a bunch of bullshit.

Now, don’t get me wrong; there are people in the world who have Tourette Syndrome, and a subset of these people have coprolalia. These people know that real coprolalia is a bitch, a compulsion that they’d love to have under control. That’s not me. I just love to curse. I’m a vulgarian, and I don’t give a shit if you have a problem with it. I’m not going to cheapen what those people go through by excusing my behavior with the label of a disorder I came up with using Dr. Internet.

Here are a few other possible diagnoses I could give myself based on my daily experiences, if I were so inclined:

· I can’t get out of bed –diagnosis: Major Depression (alternative diagnosis: I stayed out drinking until 4 AM);

· I can’t find my car keys –diagnosis: Dementia (alternative diagnosis: I have too much shit littering my house);

· I feel the need to clean my house –diagnosis: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (alternative diagnosis: Remember all of that crap that was littering my house so I couldn’t find my car keys? If you don’t remember, maybe you have Dementia … or perhaps Dyslexia?).

The point –and I am trying to make one –is that all of the so-called symptoms I’ve described are signs of something, but what they signify is up for interpretation. You may have your suspicions, but for a well-considered interpretation, you may want to discuss your concerns with a professional who has received something we call ‘training’. No, I’m sorry, your Ph.D. does not constitute the right kind of training unless it’s a Ph.D. in something like Genetics or Infectious Diseases. Your MBA and your MFA sure as hell don’t mean shit. And you’ll excuse me, but Dr. Smartypants’ years of education, residencies, and work in the field trump your high-speed Internet access every single time. A medical professional’s knowledge and experience allow them to rule out some conditions, know where to start with further testing when needed, know which interventions to try, … it is a long ass motherfucking list. They’re even trained to pick up on ‘malingering’ –if you’re not sure what this is, ask the goddamn World Wide Web.

I’m glad we could have this little talk. After all of this, I’m still pretty certain I don’t have Tourette Syndrome. If it will make you feel better, though, I’ll ask my primary care physician about it. I’ll ask, but he’s going to tell me to fuck off.

Update:

All of this vulgarity was originally committed to paper in February 2015. Two excellent pieces written recently by Piercarlo Valdesolo for Scientific American and Harry Cheadle for Vice –summarizing a study out of Marist College in 2015 –have suggested that my extensive knowledge of sweary words may be a sign of intelligence. Yes, I read that on the Internets. Yes, I am choosing to accept the diagnosis of smart and creative. I’d be an asshole not to accept that diagnosis. Thanks, guys! You are doctors, right?