let's talk about socks, baby: a human interest story

Where Do Lonely Socks Go? 

By AGNES BOOKBINDER  July 25, 2017

Seattle, WA -- Everyone has them: those socks who lose their pairs in the dryer. White cotton socks. Burly wool socks. Those 'tiny nylon socks that don't quite peek over the shoe' socks. Every day, across the United States, socks emerge from the dryer, sad and alone and looking for their mates.

Chester Toefungus (yes, that is his real name, but no, his parents didn't name him that --he just really loves his job) of the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Seattle has developed a way for these foot coverings to feel less alone in the world: Internet dating. His new company, Puppets 'n' People, matches single socks that have lost their pair in the dryer and have been converted into sock puppets  with single people who also have trouble finding mates.

"When the socks come to me, they are very lonely and without purpose. I mean, no one wants to wear only one sock at a time, and mismatched socks just look bad. Here, they are lovingly converted into puppets with personality," Mr. Toefungus explains. "Linda adds little things they might be missing, to make them more puppet-like --button eyes, things like that. And when they're done, we use my special algorithm to match them with their appropriate human mates. Extroverts get matched with pinks with silver stars and rainbows with unicorns, introverts get matched with more understated blues and greys, and so on. So far, so good, & business is up."

Customer satisfaction is said to be near 100%, although this is based on anecdotes Mr. Toefungus and Linda shared over coffee, and it could not be verified. No customers wanted to go on record as being happy with their matches, but Mr. Toefungus reports at least three weddings alone set for this weekend. Only one incident has been reported where a missing pair has found its way back from wherever they go when they get lost and things got awkward --Mr. Toefungus says, in general, both socks and humans alike are satisfied with their new matches.

"Nothing brings me more contentment than knowing two lonely souls have been brought together. Although I feel for the socks who have lost their loved ones to home appliance mishaps, I look forward to continuing to bring joy into sock's and people's lives in the future."