moving out

I bit the bullet (not literally --it's an expression, but you never know who knows it & I am in the U.S., so you can be excused for thinking I meant literally, if you did).

I got a website.

I plunked down a little bit of cash after a trial period and I got a website. Which has a blog on it. Which means ...

This one will likely be sadly neglected shortly.

I feel a bit bad because it's been a friend. It listened to me when I couldn't talk to anyone else (not that no one would have listened, but I just couldn't). I know the new blog will do the same thing, but ...I don't know. Deep inside somewhere, I'm a very nostalgic person in strange ways.

Could I stick with this one? Yes. Realistically, will I? 

No.

So I have linked my first blog post from the website (now called agnes-bookbinder.squarespace.com but which will be called agnesbookbinder.com in about two months because of an error on my part) to here, so I can come back and visit. Similarly, you can use this link to find me over there, if you happen to want to.

Thank you for reading. 

nanowrimo, day 63

Happy 63rd of November!

I know, I know. You thought we left 2017 in the dust recently. We did. 

Sort of. 

You see, there was some unfinished business I have from 2017, and by 'unfinished', I mean not finished (because un- means 'not' ...).

Way back in October, I said I would write a novel. Actually, I said I would finish a novel. "I'll finish that novel I started in 2016 by the end of November!" I said. 

Did I? That depends on your definition of November ...

I'm still working on it. Many people who participated in NaNoWriMo have now moved on to editing their complete manuscript. I have not. But you know what?

I haven't finished it yet. 

If you look at it from the point of view of the goal, that's a very bad thing. You said you would finish it, but you haven't. You're not going to, are you? Cue eye rolling and sighs of disappointment.

If you look at it from the point of view of the process, however, it's not as dire as it may seem. I haven't finished it yet, emphasis on 'yet'. Unless I'm like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense or Nicole Kidman in The Others and I'm just blissfully unaware with a shocker of an ending to come, I'm not dead. There is still time, and I haven't given up in the least. I'm still working on it. I'll get it done when I get it done, and no one gets to make me feel bad about that except for me when I'm having hard days --and even then, I tell myself to shut up.

So here's to all the late bloomers, people who try and try again, and stubborn folk. I am happy to be counted amongst your numbers.

two herons

two herons.

we watched the feathered pair go winging by,
their long-necked forms stretched forth with home in view.
we turned our heads and eyes up toward the sky
and watched the progress of those travelers two.

you said that herons live as lifetime mates,
like geese or swans or cranes or other birds
(I knew it was not true but hate debates,
and so, I stood and watched and held my words).

the pair flew off and past the grove of trees,
and we walked on and did not talk --
the only sounds: leaves crackling in the breeze,
the stilted silence of our lonely walk.

I envied them their flight and blessed wings
as they flew past and onto other things.

why poetry? (end of 2017 edition)

• Feelings still matter.
• Memories like to be taken out & dusted off.
• Our thoughts are still our own.
• That time we laughed with a friend about nothing in particular.
• The little mew of the neighbor cat means I'm not alone.
• When we read a poem, we watch acrobats tumble & fly.
• Bigger is not always better.
• Words can be a heartbeat, and a heartbeat is what keeps you alive.
• There's linear, but then there's the rest of us ...
• There is nothing so political as seeing beauty in the everyday.

in spite of/because

you are loved 

in spite of

your bad attitude --

I suppose I

could put up

with it, since

I love you.

you are loved

in spite of

your likes and

dislikes (they don't

match with mine,

and so you are

not very interesting).

you are loved

in spite of

the way you

won't hold still

and take the 

medicine --it's

meant to help.

you are loved

because of

your bad attitude --

it is part of
who you are,
the questioning, and
I love you.
you are loved
because of
your likes and
dislikes (they don't
match with mine,
and so you are
so very interesting).
you are loved
because of
the way you
won't hold still
and take the 
medicine --that
fierceness, and you
will decide for
yourself in your
own sweet time.

that face

"The face that launched ..."

• A thousand ships. In the opposite direction.
• A thousand bottles --directly at it.
• A thousand investigations (we'll go with Nixon for today because there's enough distance there).

• A thousand questions, beginning with, "Why did they use their face to launch? The launch button is clearly hand-sized."
• A thousand points of light.

• A thousand products. Go, capitalist face.
• A couple of sillies this morning. Have an excellent day today.

give your publication achievements priority

She sat up in her chair, straightened her notepad on the table in front of her, clicked her pen a couple of times, and then turned her attention back to the screen.

Author biography.

Write about yourself in the third person.

"I can do that," she told herself silently, wanting to keep the thought in her head. Libraries are meant to be quiet places; and besides, she didn't want to attract the attention of the large man at the next terminal over, whom she was convinced was watching pornography. She should probably tell one of the librarians --later. The computer was hers for only a short time, and she didn't want to waste that time on the pervert next to her.

Be sure to list the titles of your publications and books. Be selective.

"But what if I haven't been published anywhere? It's hard to be selective when there's nothing to select from." 

Mention awards you've received.

"If I haven't been published, how do I mention awards I've received? I did win a Good Citizen Award back in high school ..."

List any professional writing organizations to which you belong.

"Can't afford the annual dues, can I?"

Don't disclose too much personal information. You may want to use unusual or interesting things you've done, however, to add interest to your biography.

"We come to the library because we can't afford the Internet. I won't disclose that. We all come here when we're out running errands, and we all get books to read while we're here because we love books in our house. That's why I write, why I try to write after the kids go to bed, although Jack never wants to go down, does he? Got married young, had kids young. I won't disclose that, either. Interesting or unusual? Maybe I should use that thing about the Good Citizen Award? What I should do is probably tell the librarian about this guy next to me ..."

You should consider using a picture that has been professionally taken to go with your biography.

"Professionally taken? How much would that go for then? 'Should consider' means it's not mandatory. Can't. I should go check on the kids ..."

She looked down at the notepad. Her author biography was blank.  

________________

  

a bunch of old bs

Heads up: everything in the next section I am about to write is bullshit. Don't know why you'd read after that glowing endorsement, but maybe a few of you have a little Pandora in you and want to know what's in that box labeled 'Bullshit' ...

________

The world is for the young. If you're of a certain age and you haven't already established your reputation, you didn't really want it enough, did you? If you're of a certain age and you need or want to start over, you're only embarrassing yourself. You're set in your ways. You can't learn anything new. What could you possibly have to say that's interesting? You're old.

_________

If you are young (we'll define 'young' for our purposes as under the age of 27 --sounds like a nice even number) and think any of the above, then you are setting yourself up for a great big load of disappointment in your later life, guaranteed. You think you know, but you have no idea.

If you are old (28 and up) and think any of that, then stop it. Seriously. Stop. I'm talking as much to myself here as to any of you. 

The world (another term we need to define --I'm in the US, and as everyone knows, we're the center of the universe in our own minds, so what the hell, we'll go with that) prefers the young. We love the precocious. We love prodigies. We loved Coreys Haim & Feldman until they grew up. We do not love messes or baggage or anything other than unbridled enthusiasm on shining faces. If there is a mess, it had better be young and hot and cute because ew.

That doesn't mean the world is right. It means the world likes things wrapped up in neat little packages.

__________

Fuck neat little packages --seriously, fuck them. They're just fancy boxes, aren't they? And fuck the world if it can't handle a mess without calling for it to be taken away.

___________

Despite the angry tone to all of that, I am actually feeling pretty hopeful. 

I've written before about coming late to art and expressing myself. Extensively. Seriously, that sums up about 1/3 of my blog posts, you're welcome --no need to read now. In my explorations into what to do with what I've figured out about my creativity, I've looked up "okay, now what?" and have been greeted with a gaggle of young faces (or faces that may look like mine, but with a long list of credits tattooed on them). It can get discouraging. Baggage weighs me down.

I can't put the baggage down. It's like a scar --I've earned it. It's my baggage. I can carry it smarter, though. I'm all about ergonomic solutions at this stage.

____________

What people aged 28-108 can contribute to the world and to the arts:

• Breadth --life experience is, in fact, experience, and we have more of it
• Perseverance --think Keith Richards (we are all Keith Richards)
• Leadership --a lot of us have had kids, so we've had to learn to lead
• Patience --again, we've had kids
• The Ability to Spot and Call Bullshit --speaks for itself
• Resources --we get jobs while trying to figure stuff out, and we're cantankerous enough to work and create (yes, at the same time)

________________

Do not preemptively assume that you have nothing to contribute to the arts. You have a lot to contribute --what that is may remain to be seen, but you have a lot to contribute. Use your well-earned patience. Persevere, because you know you can do that (Keith Richards lives!). Spot the bullshit, both what the world lays on you and what you lay on yourself. Now is the time. It wasn't before, and that's okay, because you were learning to get to where you are now.

Don't buy the old bullshit. You're not old, you're mature. Now go make whatever the hell you want.

And Happy 2018, when it comes.

shaking it

Experimenting tonight since today was a heavy day. I'm going to write a poem using random words and phrases from music I'm listening to tonight. This technique is apparently called found poetry. Just call me Lady Dada. 

Nothing heavy allowed, of course, because I don't feel like it. Only  songs that encourage movement and pleasant feelings. I'll try not to violate anyone's copyright --in fact, I'll list the songs and encourage you to seek out the originals from the artists! Here we go ...

I gotta live it down.
It bears repeating --
Lots of work to be done.
I get my kicks 
(Shake it shake it)
Standing up against the wall.
Quelle vibration!
All I know, 
I was hit by something last night --
So indelicate.
(Poor little greenie,
Take me by the hand.)
Out of control!
I don't mind 'cause I'm that kind of
Leute.


Lonely Boy -Black Keys
Fell In Love With A Girl -The White Stripes
Whip It -Devo
Electric Avenue -Eddy Grant
One Night In Bangkok -Murray Head
Ça Plane Pour Moi -Plastic Bertrand
You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) -Dead Or Alive
Hey Ya! -OutKast
That's Not My Name -The Ting Tings
Dead Man's Party -Oingo Boingo
Why Can't I be You? -The Cure
The Jean Genie -David Bowie
Mickey -Toni Basil
Private Idaho -The B-52s
Sweatshop -DeStaat
99 Luftballons -Nena

i understand the luddites

Preparing to do my daily writing on a computer that took a while to update ... *insert writerly grumbling*

Deep breaths. Patience is a virtue. And now, for a little writing warmup --a villanelle.

i understand the luddites: a villanelle

we throw our phones against the wall --

efficiency's a poor excuse.

technology must surely fall!

you make us feel weak & small,

& we recoil from the abuse --

we throw our phones against the wall.

so we begin our vicious brawl.

it tried but failed to seduce --

technology will surely fall!

...

we lack sufficient wherewithal --

destruction now seems half-obtuse.

we threw the phone against the wall.

we can't return the agent's call,

& violence constitutes misuse --

our anger came before the fall.

we'll bathe our wounds in alcohol.

we're slow but eager to produce?

we threw our phones against the wall,

& so, we brought about our fall.

file under 'will never be published' (no. 13)

File under 'Will never be published' (no. 13): Dolores Ipsum

Background: Lorem Ipsum is well-known text used by people who do print and web layout. I came across it over a decade ago when I took a computer course, filed it away in the back of my mind, and moved on with my life without doing any print or web layout. 

The thinking behind using the text is that words are needed to know what print will look like, but it needs to be print that doesn't necessarily mean anything. 

This is what is used. It's based on Cicero:

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

The actual Cicero text means something along the lines of, "No one desires to obtain pain for its own sake, because it is pain, but occasionally circumstances occur in which pain can bring great pleasure."

A couple of years ago, I wrote a series of poems about women based on historical writings. I thought about the Cicero and thought it was a very feminine thing, changing shape to be whatever a man needed. I changed 'dolorem ipsum' to Dolores Ipsum and off I went, with the result below.

Why it will never be published: Do you really need to ask? It's a bit obscure and requires a lot of explanation. Poetry shouldn't need this much explanation. 

Why I wrote this blog post today: Open Culture tweeted about it and I had a flashback. What are the odds that someone else would be interested in the origins of nonsense text?

Dolores Ipsum.

   I’m waiting patiently.

   Cicero wants me to wait,

   So here I sit, holding my shape,

   Just as he told me.

   He said, “Lean your head a bit to the left”:

Like so.

   He said, “No, perhaps to the right”:

                                                            Yes, sir.

   My aim is to please with my pain

   Because it is my duty and because I am good.

   I know I am silly with my nonsensical Latin

   That does nothing but take up space 
   Until he can fill it with his words
   Full of meaning and wisdom.

   I take pleasure in the words of Cicero.

   I reject my own meaning for his

   Because his words are better,

Whether right

Or left.

   It’s just as Cicero explained:

   “Dolores, no one likes pain.”

   He needs me to wait here,

   And so, I wait with my ache.

early morning poem

the cold outside the window

& sounds from cars

on their way in the dark

inside (here in the chair)

thoughts like soft-boiled eggs

tender in their cups

on the inside we are molten gold

on the outside

we are cold & dark & on our way

nanowrimo no

I will not finish NaNoWriMo the way I am supposed to finish it.

This is not being negative. This is fact. What I am writing is too complex to rush. It is Sunday, November 26th, and beginning tomorrow, I have to work full time and attend meetings before and after work. It's fact.

And I'm okay with it.

If you find yourself in the same circumstances, come on along, hold my hand, and get ready for some writer love. (If you've met your goal of 50,000 words, congratulations. You may come along, too, but may not need as much love since 50,000+ words.)

If you started NaNoWriMo with good intentions, remember that.

If you made progress --any progress --on something you've been wanting to try, remember that.

If you think your story is worth telling, remember that.

If you think you can improve as a writer by practicing, remember that.

If you caught yourself engaging in old habits that interfere with writing and did something about it more than you used to, remember that.

If you plan to continue working on your work until it is finished, remember that --and then do it.

NaNoWriMo can become, if you let it, just another reason to beat yourself up. That's if you didn't finish within the allotted time.  Conversely, if you met your goal, it can become an excuse to rest on your laurels because goal met.

Instead, let your experience be motivation. If you started your novel, and if you actually enjoy writing, or if it is a goal you have for yourself to finish something you start, why not keep going? That's what NaNoWriMo's supposed to be about, so far as I can tell --motivation, learning, and sharing the experience with likeminded writers.

So, NaNoWriMo? No. I will not have 50,000 words by Thursday. 

But finishing this book well and then writing the next thing? Yes. And I invite you to join me. Let me know how it went and how it's going.

two pages

As you know, word count is a big thing for NaNoWriMo. The aim is at least 50,000 words by November 30. People track their progress by the number of words completed. I was aiming for at least 40,000 words, since that's the cutoff for a novel according to the Interweb.

I asked my friend Melissa (hi, Melissa! *waves*) to read two chapters for feedback and to check for parallel structure this evening, and she kindly obliged. One of the chapters, she liked; the other, not so much. Thankfully, the one she likes is the one I would probably retire from writing if she hadn't liked, so whew on that one. The other one? My ego smarts a bit, but I know something is off --she's right. 

I think the parallel structure is off. To correct it, I need to lose about 500 words. From my project for NaNoWriMo. Not only am I talking about editing, I'm talking about cutting my word count by quite a bit for the day.

A little panic set in. Maybe I should just leave it? I'm supposed to wait to edit, right? Losing words in this battle that is all about having enough words seems extremely counterproductive. Yikes.

And then, I realized my panicked reaction reminded me of something from high school ...

[insert groovy flashback waves]

Biology class. Our teacher, Mr. Shall-Remain-Nameless, give us an assignment to write three pages on ...something. I blocked that part out. This isn't a pleasant story. Anyhow, the assignment was to write three pages and we were given a list of questions we needed to answer in those three pages.

I answered all of the questions thoroughly in two pages.

For my trouble, I received a 67% (a failing mark) because I only did 2/3 of the work, even though it contained all of the needed content. I like to think it was also extremely well written, but I honestly can't remember --it was high school, and that happened in the last century.

I didn't use enough words, but the content was sufficient that I received full credit for that part of it.

As an educator, I think that was a questionable call on that teacher's part, but that's hindsight. At the time, I complained but accepted the grade since those were the directions. I tended to have trouble following directions I found arbitrary, so accepting lower marks for disagreements wasn't anything new.

In the here and now, it's my call. I'd rather say what I want to say succinctly, without added words just to add words. Why add words that don't serve any purpose other than to take up some of the word count? 

I will end up with more than 40,000 words when all is said and done --this plot I'm working with is too complex for that not to happen. Do I need those extra 500 words now that make it sound "wrong"? No. I'd rather get rid of them now and not have them muddy things up.

Is that contrary to the way NaNoWriMo is done? *shrug*

I will finish this novel. Will it be done within the NaNoWriMo timeframe? Maybe. We'll see. Likely, it'll be in December, but I am working on it. The important part is that it will get done in the number of words and the number of pages it needs to be to tell the story I'm telling. 

nanowrimo: the revenge

Sweet Jesus. Is it over yet?

Did the novel miraculously write itself? Did magical elves sneak out of the cupboards to craft a story while I slept or perhaps while I was at work all day?

No?

Oh. That's probably a good thing because, uh, cupboard-dwelling elves sound kind of creepy. But it would be nice to be further along.

I've seen many, many word count updates for NaNoWriMo on Twitter. While I know it is wrong to compare one's own work to other people's, and while I am very happy that other people are progressing as well as they are, I can't help but feel a little behind because I'm pretty sure I am. I have no word count to report because, to be honest, I have no idea how many words I have. It is in the nature of what I am writing that word counts are a bit misleading, anyway (don't want to give too much away, but I have five pages filled with text that count as five words total --a reader's dream!).

On the plus side of the whole experience so far, I have begun working again on the novel I abandoned about 18 months ago. I have resisted the urge to chuck it to the side to concentrate on short stories, which I honestly prefer writing. I have sorted out some of the details that stumped me before. I have a clear vision now of what the story is about, and more importantly, why I feel strongly about finishing it. Not that I have anything earth-shattering to contribute to the literary canon, but it is mine, and I've grown quite fond of the idea of putting this thing together in a way that doesn't suck too badly.

Other things I've been learning/thinking about:

1. Ksenia Anske mentioned something recently on Twitter, and an essay I read in The Paris Review by Claire Dederer today echoed a similar sentiment: protect your time for writing. I've been giving mine away because everything & everyone else is more important. That's fine, but I'd like to finish this, well if possible. At some point very soon, I need to become more antisocial (but not in a Unabomber kind of way). 

2. Speaking of Twitter, Twitter is like crack. I need to reverse the ratio of Twitter time: writing time. Fact.

3. When I am done with this, I need to read more novels. I used to read more novels than I do now. I'm a bit rusty on remembering exactly what goes where in a good one.

4. For things of this length, not having a collaborator to bounce ideas off of is making me cuckoo. I like collaboration A LOT. I like talking to myself a little, but collaboration makes me happy. Writing anything this long without feedback plays on my insecurities, I suppose.

5. I should have researched and thought about this book in more detail before I started putting too much down on paper. I know I'm not supposed to edit during NaNoWriMo, but to hell with that --I couldn't look at some of this without wanting to throw up. I edited some. It happened to result in a few more words, so there.

6. In future, when writing something for NaNoWriMo or other similar event of short duration and maximum output, I should write what I know. What am I writing this NaNoWriMo about? No idea. Seriously, I have to look everything up. Things I know nothing about, yet am trying to write about knowledgeably: academia, philosophy, animal research, African-American history, Las Vegas casinos, thought experiments, the work of William Shakespeare (okay, I know a little about that), webcams, and more philosophy. Oh, and stripping, Korean attitudes toward female-to-male transsexuals, and homeless encampments. Next time I try something this long, my protagonist will be named Agatha Sidewinder and I will just keep a diary and call it fiction.

Not giving up, but sweet Jesus ... 

There are eight more days and no elves hiding in my cupboards. I hope.